My Stella is Born

After all this time I feel like i have finally enough peace of mind to put together my thoughts and actions that occurred on Wednesday, December 28 2011 when my child, my first daughter came shrieking into the world ;').

But first lets backtrack a little......

Oh and let me warn you in advance about the TMI on some parts..

On Dec 19th I hobbled into my 38th week appointment.

For that past week I had been feeling small (tiny) contractions, lower back pressure and had started to suffer from nausea in the mornings again, so I knew that my time was coming soon. Even though my midwife wasn't prepared to, I asked her to go ahead and "check me" meaning my dilation.

She peeked at me, from between my legs, smiled and proceeded to tell me that I was 3cm dilated and 80% effaced.

I was thrilled! Not only had I been feeling myself preparing, but at the rate that I was going, I would have this baby long before christmas time!

Baby's first christmas!!!!

She asked if I wanted her to strip my membranes, I refused. Trusting my body to do what was right.

I instantly called my boyfriend and told him the news.

He was more shocked than excited I think. And everyone that I told said "damb, oh shit, are you serious" or some other form of surprised saying. But me, I was ecstatic, so much that I cried just thinking of how close I was to meet my little one. I drove peacefully home, feeling as if i was walking on clouds. After the long pregnancy journey I had come to end of it all. I felt amazing..

Until I got home.....

I cant sit here and blog that everything is peachy in my home. I am human after all and when shit hits the fan around here, it lands all over the place.

That night something happened that bothered me, so much that i started questioning a lot of things. Not helping were my pregnancy hormones. And maybe i over thought things that day, maybe I didn't, but regardless of faults, I went from the clouds to the floor. I felt sad, unappreciated, unwanted and everything in between. I felt like that for a couple of days. Always thinking, calm down, its not good to be so anxious, relax, bla bla but it wouldn't work. I even stopped having contractions.

The reason that I share this with you is that I am a firm believer that what you feel emotionally, you transfer to your baby in utero... i knew i was overreacting but i couldn't stop thinking and questioning. I knew that my feelings where hindering my progress in labor.. Making my baby feel that the outside world wasn't the best for her.

I felt so overwhelmed. I couldn't even sneeze without my bf asking me if I was in labor (seriously). It felt (and i know this is not what people where intending) as if everyone was rushing me. I even remember responding to my bf's "when do you think you will have the baby?"with "you need to stop hounding me, I think the baby has stage fright". He did, and i felt myself relaxing more. I also ignored my phone for some time. I still went to the gym, every other day. Still worked out for more than an hour. Went hiking with the boys and did everything absolutely possible to keep myself moving.

My 39th week appt came and no change. Still at 3cm.. 90% effaced. I was disappointed but again. refused my membranes to be stripped....

40th week rolled by, christmas came and went. Still the same.

40 weeks 2 days (showered after gym)

My mw wanted to schedule an induction, i refused and was scheduled for fetal monitoring on the 29th instead. They would give me up until Jan 10th to have my baby before they would "require" an induction. (over my dead body)

On Tuesday night, not feeling any sign of strong contractions, i decided to have a healthy dinner consisting of hamburger and chili cheese fries. Courtesy of the local Tams. I knew right after I ate it, that it was a bad idea. I tossed and turned that night, feeling as if i was going to throw up. My bf deciding to finally finish cleaning the garage made for a restless night.

Sure enough around 5 am i was awoken by sharp back pain. I sat up, looked around, no bf, wtf?

Maybe it will pass.

Nope, 5 or so minutes later again. I waddled to the living room and found my bf on the couch suffering from heartburn. Told him I was in labor, he asked if I was serious i said yes, he asked today? I said yes but I was going to try and get some rest. It only took me walking to our room for the contraction pain to go from a 3 to 5. And for me to realize that resting was not in the question. I waddled back to my bf and assured him that it would be soon. He jumped up and rushed past me, past our unassembled crib and started to get is things together. I tried to stay calm, went into the shower, started running a bath. I didn't call my bf into the bathroom cus i still had all that Tams (till this day havent ate it again) coming out of me and i couldn't get off the toilet. I text him, told him to relax and that i was going to take a bath. I slipped into the shower and felt really relaxed but the pain was getting excruciating. I called Vince in and when he saw me wriggling in pain he insisted we leave to the hospital. Once he said the word hospital i felt an awful dread come over me. I said "no no" like a little girl about to get punished. He insisted. I stalled as much as i could. Walked around the house, talked to my boys all the while trying to be quiet. Shortly after we were on our way. The car ride was horrible!! For whatever reason the bf decided to take the freeway instead of the roads.. Did it take longer than it would have the other way? Who knows, i felt as if i had lost complete train of thought in that car. Sitting while in labor is a horrible feeling. I wanted to jog to the hospital at that point. 

I got admitted into the hospital, passed out my birth plan like a party flyer and went legs up for my check. I was 9cm dilated 100% effaced, with a bulging bag (thats when your water hasnt broken and basically is waiting to burst). My admitting nurse seemed very helpful i thought with her here i can get through this like a breeze, but as my contractions got harder my nurse was switched up, and in entered Maria the somber looking nurse. Ugh no help or motivation at all. I was left there, with orders not to get off the bed, because my baby might just "pop out and hit the floor". I felt like i couldnt do anything. Just sit there and take it, not even rock, not even walk. Nothing. I was cold, it was bright and my bf was  in the corner, looking distraught about the whole situation. I got up to use the bathroom and i couldnt sit back down. I felt a horrible pressure. Thinking it was my bulging bag i asked my nurse to break my water, maybe it would relieve the pressure. When i laid down my midwife informed me that i was really swollen down there, I had suffered with varicosis while pregnant and during labor with all the pressure they came back in full effect. I had to try and relax  and lay down for them to subside. But that soon proved to be hard, when I was informed that the baby had passed meconium. Oh and by the way I went down to 7cm  What???!!! 

 "Apparently your water bag was pushing so much that it made it seem like you were 9, but you werent". And what about the baby passing meconium? I asked the nurse "Sometimes the baby is in distress and that happens, she said, we will continue to monitor her, but when she is born, the likelihood that you would be able to hold your baby right after birth and prevent the cord from being clamped soon, is slim... We will have to suck out what is in her mouth right away and make sure none of it got into her lungs". Birth Plan out the window! All of this information plus the word distress had me so confused and afraid. I felt myself tensing up even more and wanting my baby out more than ever. I asked to get the epidural. Why? Maybe that would help me relax enough that the swelling will subside. After my whole pregnancy researching the affects of epidural on mothers and babies I gave up. I asked my bf, and the ever supportive gentlemen threw up his hands and said whatever you want. I felt sheepish and ashamed, but went along with it. Epidural in, and I went to sleep. From 6 to 12 i had been in pain, longer than any other of my births. I wished for my sister,whom i had exed out of my delivery thinking i would have enough support. I wished for my doula, whom i had never met.

Soon enough around 1pm the medication gave way and i started feeling small pains and immense pressure. I felt as if it was time. The mw checked me and sure enough my baby had almost crowned all on her own. With dad missing (getting something in the cafeteria) the nurses started to bussel in preparation for the upcoming birth. My bf got paged many times but still no sign of him. He finally showed up. Held my leg, and after about 5 pushes my little, big, one came into the world. I looked at her as she was whisked away and felt a great relief. That she was here, that nothing seemed wrong with her and that i had finished in one piece.

Stellas first picture and first suckles

 Stella Rain was born at 1:35 pm, weighing in at 8 pounds, 19 1/2 inches long. My heaviest baby yet. Dad cut the cord. Fussy all over with hair as soon as i put her to my breast she nursed. And it was wonderful. I felt alive and immesnsly happy. No one was in the room but Stella, her papa and I.

I learned a lot that day.

I promised myself and my daughter that neither of us would be without eachother in times of hardship.

This and all rest of pictures where taken by my dear friend Liz from Peach On Earth

I am beyond grateful for my boyfriend Vince. He was up a and center as i delivered this sweet little gift to him. Throughout all my pregnancy and now two months later, he is there for our baby 100%! We love you sweet papa!

Big bro Carlo 11yrs old

Sister Erika 14yrs old

Lil bro Diego 8yrs old