Wednesday, March 7, 2012

My Stella is Born

After all this time I feel like i have finally enough peace of mind to put together my thoughts and actions that occurred on Wednesday, December 28 2011 when my child, my first daughter came shrieking into the world ;').


But first lets backtrack a little......
Oh and let me warn you in advance about the TMI on some parts..

On Dec 19th I hobbled into my 38th week appointment.
For that past week I had been feeling small (tiny) contractions, lower back pressure and had started to suffer from nausea in the mornings again, so I knew that my time was coming soon. Even though my midwife wasn't prepared to, I asked her to go ahead and "check me" meaning my dilation.
She peeked at me, from between my legs, smiled and proceeded to tell me that I was 3cm dilated and 80% effaced.
I was thrilled! Not only had I been feeling myself preparing, but at the rate that I was going, I would have this baby long before christmas time!
Baby's first christmas!!!!
She asked if I wanted her to strip my membranes, I refused. Trusting my body to do what was right.
I instantly called my boyfriend and told him the news.
He was more shocked than excited I think. And everyone that I told said "damb, oh shit, are you serious" or some other form of surprised saying. But me, I was ecstatic, so much that I cried just thinking of how close I was to meet my little one. I drove peacefully home, feeling as if i was walking on clouds. After the long pregnancy journey I had come to end of it all. I felt amazing..
Until I got home.....

I cant sit here and blog that everything is peachy in my home. I am human after all and when shit hits the fan around here, it lands all over the place.
That night something happened that bothered me, so much that i started questioning a lot of things. Not helping were my pregnancy hormones. And maybe i over thought things that day, maybe I didn't, but regardless of faults, I went from the clouds to the floor. I felt sad, unappreciated, unwanted and everything in between. I felt like that for a couple of days. Always thinking, calm down, its not good to be so anxious, relax, bla bla but it wouldn't work. I even stopped having contractions.
The reason that I share this with you is that I am a firm believer that what you feel emotionally, you transfer to your baby in utero... i knew i was overreacting but i couldn't stop thinking and questioning. I knew that my feelings where hindering my progress in labor.. Making my baby feel that the outside world wasn't the best for her.
I felt so overwhelmed. I couldn't even sneeze without my bf asking me if I was in labor (seriously). It felt (and i know this is not what people where intending) as if everyone was rushing me. I even remember responding to my bf's "when do you think you will have the baby?"with "you need to stop hounding me, I think the baby has stage fright". He did, and i felt myself relaxing more. I also ignored my phone for some time. I still went to the gym, every other day. Still worked out for more than an hour. Went hiking with the boys and did everything absolutely possible to keep myself moving.
My 39th week appt came and no change. Still at 3cm.. 90% effaced. I was disappointed but again. refused my membranes to be stripped....
40th week rolled by, christmas came and went. Still the same.
40 weeks 2 days (showered after gym)

My mw wanted to schedule an induction, i refused and was scheduled for fetal monitoring on the 29th instead. They would give me up until Jan 10th to have my baby before they would "require" an induction. (over my dead body)

On Tuesday night, not feeling any sign of strong contractions, i decided to have a healthy dinner consisting of hamburger and chili cheese fries. Courtesy of the local Tams. I knew right after I ate it, that it was a bad idea. I tossed and turned that night, feeling as if i was going to throw up. My bf deciding to finally finish cleaning the garage made for a restless night.
Sure enough around 5 am i was awoken by sharp back pain. I sat up, looked around, no bf, wtf?
Maybe it will pass.
Nope, 5 or so minutes later again. I waddled to the living room and found my bf on the couch suffering from heartburn. Told him I was in labor, he asked if I was serious i said yes, he asked today? I said yes but I was going to try and get some rest. It only took me walking to our room for the contraction pain to go from a 3 to 5. And for me to realize that resting was not in the question. I waddled back to my bf and assured him that it would be soon. He jumped up and rushed past me, past our unassembled crib and started to get is things together. I tried to stay calm, went into the shower, started running a bath. I didn't call my bf into the bathroom cus i still had all that Tams (till this day havent ate it again) coming out of me and i couldn't get off the toilet. I text him, told him to relax and that i was going to take a bath. I slipped into the shower and felt really relaxed but the pain was getting excruciating. I called Vince in and when he saw me wriggling in pain he insisted we leave to the hospital. Once he said the word hospital i felt an awful dread come over me. I said "no no" like a little girl about to get punished. He insisted. I stalled as much as i could. Walked around the house, talked to my boys all the while trying to be quiet. Shortly after we were on our way. The car ride was horrible!! For whatever reason the bf decided to take the freeway instead of the roads.. Did it take longer than it would have the other way? Who knows, i felt as if i had lost complete train of thought in that car. Sitting while in labor is a horrible feeling. I wanted to jog to the hospital at that point. 

I got admitted into the hospital, passed out my birth plan like a party flyer and went legs up for my check. I was 9cm dilated 100% effaced, with a bulging bag (thats when your water hasnt broken and basically is waiting to burst). My admitting nurse seemed very helpful i thought with her here i can get through this like a breeze, but as my contractions got harder my nurse was switched up, and in entered Maria the somber looking nurse. Ugh no help or motivation at all. I was left there, with orders not to get off the bed, because my baby might just "pop out and hit the floor". I felt like i couldnt do anything. Just sit there and take it, not even rock, not even walk. Nothing. I was cold, it was bright and my bf was  in the corner, looking distraught about the whole situation. I got up to use the bathroom and i couldnt sit back down. I felt a horrible pressure. Thinking it was my bulging bag i asked my nurse to break my water, maybe it would relieve the pressure. When i laid down my midwife informed me that i was really swollen down there, I had suffered with varicosis while pregnant and during labor with all the pressure they came back in full effect. I had to try and relax  and lay down for them to subside. But that soon proved to be hard, when I was informed that the baby had passed meconium. Oh and by the way I went down to 7cm  What???!!! 
 "Apparently your water bag was pushing so much that it made it seem like you were 9, but you werent". And what about the baby passing meconium? I asked the nurse "Sometimes the baby is in distress and that happens, she said, we will continue to monitor her, but when she is born, the likelihood that you would be able to hold your baby right after birth and prevent the cord from being clamped soon, is slim... We will have to suck out what is in her mouth right away and make sure none of it got into her lungs". Birth Plan out the window! All of this information plus the word distress had me so confused and afraid. I felt myself tensing up even more and wanting my baby out more than ever. I asked to get the epidural. Why? Maybe that would help me relax enough that the swelling will subside. After my whole pregnancy researching the affects of epidural on mothers and babies I gave up. I asked my bf, and the ever supportive gentlemen threw up his hands and said whatever you want. I felt sheepish and ashamed, but went along with it. Epidural in, and I went to sleep. From 6 to 12 i had been in pain, longer than any other of my births. I wished for my sister,whom i had exed out of my delivery thinking i would have enough support. I wished for my doula, whom i had never met.

Soon enough around 1pm the medication gave way and i started feeling small pains and immense pressure. I felt as if it was time. The mw checked me and sure enough my baby had almost crowned all on her own. With dad missing (getting something in the cafeteria) the nurses started to bussel in preparation for the upcoming birth. My bf got paged many times but still no sign of him. He finally showed up. Held my leg, and after about 5 pushes my little, big, one came into the world. I looked at her as she was whisked away and felt a great relief. That she was here, that nothing seemed wrong with her and that i had finished in one piece.

Stellas first picture and first suckles
 Stella Rain was born at 1:35 pm, weighing in at 8 pounds, 19 1/2 inches long. My heaviest baby yet. Dad cut the cord. Fussy all over with hair as soon as i put her to my breast she nursed. And it was wonderful. I felt alive and immesnsly happy. No one was in the room but Stella, her papa and I.

I learned a lot that day.
I promised myself and my daughter that neither of us would be without eachother in times of hardship.

This and all rest of pictures where taken by my dear friend Liz from Peach On Earth

I am beyond grateful for my boyfriend Vince. He was up a and center as i delivered this sweet little gift to him. Throughout all my pregnancy and now two months later, he is there for our baby 100%! We love you sweet papa!


Big bro Carlo 11yrs old










Sister Erika 14yrs old

Lil bro Diego 8yrs old

















Saturday, December 10, 2011

38 Weeks Pregnant

So as of today I am 38 weeks (whatever that is in months) along.

I havent blogged since I was 24 weeks and a lot has changed with my body and my surroundings.
Have been out of work since 11/26 which is nice, but I have found myself to be less active than I would like to be, no thanks to the weird stares from the local gym members..And especially when my Vince stays home with me. Excuses yeah I know. Ive also found myself eating A LOT less healthy than i did my whole pregnancy. The tired/incredibly emotional pregnant woman is back!
Other than that everything is great in the pregnancy forefront.
I am ready to go anyday. I delivered both boys at about 38 weeks, and I was hoping baby girl would come soon enough too.. But I understand if she wants to wait. :)
The boys remind me every night of how excited they are to meet their little sis, their happiness and cheesy comments make me feel all warm and fuzzy.
I Will be delivering at hospital, birth plan in hand, and hoping that everything goes smooth with my midwife. I plan to labor as much as i can at home then head to the hospital which is 10 minutes away, just in time for my beautiful star to shine :)

I follow Alismith on Babble.Com. This beautiful woman is 39 weeks pregnant and Its nice to relate to someone so close in gestational age. I took a small survey from the site, you should check it out for fun pregnancy info. Which at this time is needed and appreciated :)


Size of baby:
When i went into my last ultrasound (35 weeks) my baby was right at the 6 pound mark.. I have previously delivered two 6.6 pnds 21 1/2 inch long babies. So when I heard this news I was a little shocked. Im sure i wont have a HUGE baby, but i do anticipate her to be bigger than her brothers at birth.


This ultrasound was incredibly beautiful. I got to see my baby in such real life it felt amazing!


Weight Gain: Ohhhh the weight.. I started my pregnancy weighing in at 120 pounds. I am now 144. According to my mw my weight gain is fine. I have managed to have gone through this pregnancy buying 2 maternity pants (2-slack style for work,1-pregnancy jeans). I also have prego handed down jeans, that fit really loose but are pretty comfy. Other than that i still wear old jeans and pants zipper closure tucked in of course. I know I look good for being 9 months pregnant, but I have never weighed this much in my life, so it has been a little hard to get used to it. My stomach has stretched to the brink (no new stretch marks thank goodness). Carlo saw my tummy in an undersized shirt yesterday and said "oh mom, your belly button looks like a cinnamon roll"consequences of my half innie half outtie. Besides all of this, though, i feel very blessed to not have any kind of weight complications and know that this is only temporary.

How Im feeling: Im really emotional and struggle to keep my grips with what is real and what is just absolutely made up in my over hormoned mind.  Im excited and nervous about the upcoming birth, but I find my calm bf to be really helpful. Their are times when i cant wait to meet my little love, days where i wish i can just hold her, but their are other days i think keeping her in there, away from germs and smog and anything hazardous to her, would be best.

What im craving: Anything cake! I dont fulfill these cravings a lot i try to take a healthier approach to them but cant stop thinking about them... Cakes all over!! YUM! Was very happy and all for Diego's idea of having a birthday cake for his sister when she is born.

If you saw me today: You would probably be like everyone else and think of me as a flying saucer, a UFO.. Strange to the eye.. You know im pregnant but cant seem to put 2 and 2 together and just keep staring at me in awe... I would not be surprised if you pulled your camera out haha!

Movement: My daughter and I have gotten into scuffles lately and she loves to pop me in my rib. I feel her as she stretches out her legs (just now OUCH) I think i can even feel when she moves her face around. Even though she is pretty compact in there right now, she still manages to amaze me and keeps me wondering what she is doing in there.

Sleep: I actually sleep fine, and have for the most part of my pregnancy. Maybe i even sleep too much??? nah!

What I miss: Running around with my boys and doing karate kicks with them without feeling like i just ran a marathon. Just went to disneyland and I spent most of my day on a bench rubbing some part of my aching body.





December at Disneyland
 Being able to stay awake during late night movies, hugging my bf without the bump and even doing dishes without angling my ever protruding stomach.












38 Weeks
Hello baby!
Dearest baby, even after all the waiting, aches and pains, being pregnant with you has been a wonderful experience. Mommy and Papi, sissy and brothers are excited to meet you. Your house is waiting. We love you!!!
P.S please come before christmas so you can wear your christmas pijamas and open your santa gifts :)



Knocked up by Kings of Leon..
I remember I shared this video on my fb wall before i was pregnant and people thought that i was just that.. Knocked up.. Well shortly after I did end up KNOCKED UP :)






Thursday, September 1, 2011

Our little seed


Looks like we have a new addition to our forest.
Im pregnant. Currently on my 23rd week!

It took a while for us to inform our distant family and friends but our tight knit circle knew right away.
Like I did. That inside of me a precious little being was being conjured up.

This is baby #3 for me, and a girl at that. Which everyone rooted for!
For a long time I didn't see it fit for me to have another baby. The relationships within myself and with others were not ideal, but with my new love this little seedie sprouted.

As soon as i figured i was pregnant I totally changed my diet, eating raw veggies, nothing preserved, water to drink. Pure pure PURE!
I took upon The Natural Pregnancy Book by Aviva Jill Romm. The book was and still is an amazing help.
I had no morning sickness whatsoever, which i did with my other pregnancies (come to know its mostly due to diet and lack of nutrients). I exercise as much as time allows (i need more time).
Whats best is that this book has helped me love my body even more, for growing my children in it.
I got to admit some days are better than others, but with my tummy only really protruding at around 20 weeks, ive only began to feel slight discomforts. Theirs natural encouraging info in here from how to deal with heat to how to deal with miscarriage. I absolutely love this book!

I also spend the extra buck on New Chapter Organics Perfect Prenatal whole food vitamins. Their derived from organic herbs and whole foods and are so light on my stomach I can take them even first thing in the morning without getting sick.

The boys and Eri are vey excited and are extremely supportive. Even scolding me when i reach for a small cup of soda :) Its a bit annoying but cute at the same time. They care so much about their little sis :)

Now im planning (well my sisters are) my baby shower. It seems like such a long time away for the baby to be born but its not. Im due Dec 25th, which means xmas is just around the corner too!!

Im so excited about everything that is going on and i am very thankful for all the love im getting. Friends and family are falling apart waiting for you sweet baby, cant wait for you to come!!!

p.s. no name yet :/

06/23/11 13 weeks

17 weeks














Its a girl!






23 weeks, ill be 24 (6months) in two days









Sunday, August 21, 2011

Family Time

Family time is seriously the name of my biggest album on Aperture.
With the two boys most of the things we do is considered to be a family event.
Its though at times, being pulled from one city to another, getting everyone ready and out of the house, but I always seem to find the upmost joy and peace when we are all together.
Dont get me wrong. Having mommy alone time is great, but being a mom, since I was 16 has changed the needs of that alone time. I was never the crazy underage partier and dont think ill be the way too old to be dancing like that partier, I've met it in the middle, with most of it left behind.
Especially given the 5 month pregnant circumstances..
Regardless though, being able to see our family together, watch everyone grow up, special achievements, and so on makes me really happy. So happy that i find myself getting chocked up even at baseball games, or spelling bees.
Im so grateful for all the love in our lives. And im beyond happy to be adding to our joy.
I cant wait to hold my baby girl!

Here is an assortment of pictures ranging from Feb of this year.
Enjoy! We did
<3

Happy First Birthday Baby Juan
5th Grade promotion :')
                                                                    
   My bf daughter Erika and her Bff. Middle school promotion
 
Niko's Birthday. Luna Splash time

"Hi Mom"


                                                     

Saturday, March 12, 2011

How bad is bad?

After the devastation in Japan, and my own little devastation with my 10yr old in the kitchen this morning, I wonder how bad must it really get until, A, shit hits the fan, or B, shits turns into roses.
Last night to prove my ever doubting boyfriend wrong, I looked up the exact location of our nearest nuclear reactor. We have one in beautiful San Onofre, another in Devils canyon, and about 36 more smaller testing sites....
I wonder, globally and in my personal life, how long do we live with these possible life altering toxicities.
The Federal government has pledged 38 billion dollars to the advancement and repair of nuclear power within the US.. Regardless, we as California's sit on a most tremendous fault line, and no ones seems to blink an eye..
Science , like nature is a force that i am very grateful for. But undoubtedly, one will burn out the other, and we will sit in the crossfire....

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Fool on a hill 07/2010

Passing our six month stay to LA I have finally decided to write about the actual move...
For anniversary purposes? No. Final closure? Not at all...
It just seems to me, that in order for you, to be more understanding of us, you would have to know my true emotions...
Since the idea of a relationship with this fellow arose in late 2009 I always imagined a move to be inevitable. Both of us grew up mostly in our home towns of San Diego and Los Angeles, both loved our cities very much. I had no family in LA nor he in SD, so when it came to decide who goes where, we looked at our jobs.. And well 10 years under his belt with his company kicked my 5 month old jobs butt....

Not 3 months after meeting we decided that September would be our moving month. I would look for a job, settle with schools for the boys and find a home big enough for the five of us.
We spent what seemed like an eternity doing 2 hour night/day and weekend trips back and forth from SD to LA. Not to mention hundreds of dollars in gas, train rides and overrage charges on our mobile phones.
On a regular lonely 3am morning, with the bf on the phone, we started out jokingly to discuss the idea of moving at that moment. And what started as a joke ended with us deciding to quit my job and move 3 months earlier than planned. "Put in your two weeks", he said, "ok", I replied, "tomorrow" he said, "really"? I asked, "YES"!!!!!!!!!!!
I could hardly contain myself!
The days to come were filled with bliss and pretty thoughts of of the "easy" move i had presumed..
Unknowingly I was in for the ride of my life.

Breaking the new to friends and family was hard. None but a handful were supportive of my decision. Expected enough, since I had only know this man for a good 4 months. So my two hands were left to sort and pack 7 years of our lives. Since we were moving out of small house into an equally small apartment, I had to part with many of our belongings. That which my family seemed to receive with open arms, only to remove what they wanted, offering no help with anything else.
Caffeine binges and my bf support helped me to be ready and out the door in 2 weeks. 2 weeks from the day I notified my employer to the 2 hr drive to LA.
I was nervous, excited, tired and sort of sad.
Sad that my loved ones did not see us off. Their were no warm goodbyes, or story telling of our past San Diego adventures, just me and my boxes..
Surely I wasn't going to be convinced to stay. But at least I would think that they would express their feelings. Good or bad. Instead they stayed away. Highly unlike them, they left me alone.

I had my work cut out for me in the home. Cleaning up a bachelor pad was by far the hardest most pain stacking taskI have ever came across. Years and years of build up took me about 3 weeks to be clear up, and 1 month to completely be livable in. With the children home for the summer, I felt as if my days didn't end. Waking up to clean, unpack, throw away, kids, kids and kids.
I managed to pull it off but it took a huge toll on me. I felt fairly alone, not living a real life just that of cleaning, chores and boxes. My patience seemed to be cut down to at least half of whats sensible. The constant routine hit me so bad that at one point i wondered if this was a well worth trip.
But after settling everything, putting my children in school and taking time to myself I realized that it was and will be. My patience, something that time has slowly permitted me to gain back, im still working on, 

I seem to understand now the horror stories linked to moving. It was hard on all of us.
Them adjusting to  new people in their life, Us adjusting to less.
But we are here and mostly likely, here for good. The thought of moving again makes me cringe.
But with such a big family a move to a new bigger home is also inevitable.
I have recently found a job which will definitely help us in monetary sense, and to ease tension with all of us.
Especially since we will be able to utilize the luxury of "hired movers"

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Rainy days and Cabin Fever

Its been to quiet a big surprise the rain here in California. The showers have not ceased since Friday. Most people would say that they hate this weather but my family and I actually love it.
Last Saturday we went out to buy our christmas tree, while it poured cats and dogs. Sure we had wet shoes and jackets. But for the smell and warmth it was well worth it. Now nearing 5 days and with kids and man at home im starting to feel the small familiar claustrophobic itch.
For one, its tooooo wet to step outside. We love going on cloudy disneyland trips, but this is something else. Going to the grocery store has me shivering but staying in has me fearing for my sanity. HA!
My poor bf daughter, which is used to being the only child, now has to deal with having not one but two energetic boys around her. Something that I must say she has done very well with, but of course she has her moments. As do I. I've never had to deal with another woman in my house. Ever. So seeing some of my normal reactions played out by her, makes me wonder.. Am I nuts? Over the top?.
In both cases I think yes. But my loving man seems to handle her and I ever so calmly.
Even my little beast are dealt with a light hand.
I know its hard for other people to handle my brood, its hard for me. But I have found that those who have seem to never be able to get enough of us.
Hopefully the young tree will come around soon. As her mood changes by the hour, I hope that with age her limits for my papis will too <3